Reminded

Certain things were forgotten in my mindset, in my life, in my heart, key elements. You reminded me without words and then with words. You were there when life brightened a little more for me but we were in darkness. I was lost and struggling knowing which path I needed to get back to, which path I needed to find, the straight path. You came into my life and reminded me. Reminded me that I deserve the best. Reminded me that I deserve what’s right and that I have a choice and again, life brightened for me. Still I made a lot of mistakes and you stayed around. Reminding me how I need to do better, a lot better. It’s been so long and I’ve been so good. You always catch me when I need to be caught. Reminding me again that I can do better, need to do better and I will do better. I would probably do my best with you by my side. My goal of every minute of every day is to do my best without hesitation. I can only hope and pray that you never get to far away because every time you come my way I’m reminded. Love is not something you take, it’s given.

Today's Drama

Tried to hard to make you see how you make me feel. I don't understand why you''re not receptive to it. I'm almost ready to give up. Then you make me forget all the bad and crush on you for the good. I wish I would, just bitch you out and tell you what's real. Tell you how I feel. I'm not supposed to give a fuck? That's how you act. Swear you're what I need and If I'm being selfish then God, please let it play out and disperse. I need this verse, to let you know... To open my mind. To free my complicated thoughts. It's been so long, you silenced me. Will I ever be the same again or have I just grown. I'm all alone, single... Only fucking you. What's good. Be real with me. Anyways, no one reads this shit so I gotta vent. I'll leave this for myself to reflect on later. Ciao for Now.

Deep Thoughts

For this moment in time I wonder. I wonder what you're up to and if you'll grow like how I grew. Or if I'll grow like how you grew. It truly amazes me to look at you because you're a creation, a beautiful creation. I sometimes wish on stars to find that certain person. I sometimes make other wishes for things to be as God wants them to be. It's hard for me to understand my past actions. I know these are things I cannot change and to come to terms I tell myself I was young, immature, naive, selfish, lonely, confused, sick, depressed, alone, scared and running. I had to grow out of those phases of my life. I have to tell myself I've grown to think differently, I can feel love now, I'm not as cold. I know now, that I know things. This is what I understand. Random.

Truthfully Speaking...

It’s hard to loosen my grip, I've tried before. I wish we could do the opposite and just hold each other tight. You don’t have the time, I don’t have the time. What are we to do. Opportunities knocking at my door. Business to deal with. Chances to take. Fully emotional and growing still, realizing my dreams, trying to make them happen. Who are you to me and who am I to you, we know but we just don’t know. I want to make it right. I should have kissed you longer, maybe it would of made us stronger. What do we have now, or what we have now, tell me what it means to you. Tell me the truth.

Just a Thought (Thinking of You)

So what am I to do? When I already know what it is and I'm truly confused. Can't be more clear than the cards babe, the only other option is to wait it out, plant seeds & watch them grow. Do you even know? How I feel for you, still. It's already pretty clear to me so forgive me for being selfish but I just gotta know, are you down ?

Note:

Posting Some Old Shit
I Found Some More Work
Between 2010-2011
Love Yuh !! Xo

2:49 AM: Wish You Were Here...

I should take a break from writing it might get me in trouble and I love em' so let it be known. It is what it is. I try to just be me and through it I came to learn more about myself. What am I supposed to do in these situations. I'm just trying to get something good and right as opposed to something my mother wouldn't approve of. I guess it takes time & you gotta wait for the right one. But. Now how am I supposed to wait. It's in another stage now. Can't deny my feelings. In time we'll see if yours are similar to mine. I gotta know though. Don't be talking to those other ones,  you should be talking to me. I know you know where I stand. So for now lets just leave it on the court cause' I need me some one on one. Holla....

Why Your Family Always Tells You To "Wait" Till You're Older - They Really Just Want The Best

I swear some people really contradict themselves and I really don't want to be one of them. Having kids at a young age can be hard, I grew up with a single mother type home.

If you can plan for your future why not start now. You can do anything you please, out of the goodness of your heart. Take from people fairly and create a peaceful environment wherever you go or you can stack bread off of the loss of peoples wealth, health, mentality, courage and so on. What type of person are you ?

Some people want to be known and applauded for their flyness' and some just want to make the world a better place. Why not have a job and a relationship that is built on 100% complete honesty and good values. You choose your life and you make what you make / take what you take out of it from day to day. You make or break your mindset.

My question is if a person has no idea how to really live a stable and real life, with a legitimate cash flow, decent rent and still have time to be themselves what are the chances they are ready for a relationship. You need to focus on yourself first and relationships, they come & they go. The love never truly fades for me so honestly, I wish the best for all of the people I've been with or had love for.

All I really have to say is the best thing to do sometimes is just wait, be patient, have faith, learn to overcome your fears, stay real and love honestly.

// SO WE ALL HAVE ADDICTIONS //

WE CAN HAVE EVERYTHING WE WANT IN LIFE,
BUT SOMETIMES WE CAN’T HAVE IT ALL AT ONCE.
THERE IS A TIME AND SEASON FOR ALL GOOD THINGS.

IT SEEMS WHEN PEOPLE EXPOSE THEMSELVES TO A CERTIAN LIFESTYLE, THE COST TO ACQUIRE THAT OF WHICH YOU WANT BECOMES SO DEEP THAT IT LOOKS SHALLOW, DON’T BE FOOLED. YOUR BODY AND MIND ARE YOUR TEMPLE, YOUR CHURCH, YOUR HOME, YOUR GOLD, YOUR TREASURE, YOUR FARM, YOUR LAND, YOUR JEWEL, YOUR DIAMOND, YOUR GOODS, YOUR LIFE - SO RESPECT IT - AT ALL TIMES. DON’T EVER BE FOOLED FOR ONE SECOND.

THAT ITEM CAN WAIT CAUSE’
YOU KNOW YOU DON’T DESERVE IT YET.

His' N Her's - All Matching

Now this is why men turn into Monsters. One day he rockin' his "His N Hers" out with his Wifey... Loving her down, picking her up and dropping her off... Next thing you know Hottie Tottie appears and starts necking my man... okay well he wasn't really my man but you know the story. Have me taking public transit to see your ass.... what happenend when you used to surprise me by saying "Get ready Baby, I'm coming to pick you up!".... I really miss the good ol' days when his love was true.... I bet it still is... Except we have these mega model stripper super groupies in the way.... Damn... always the good ones that are gettin' money.

The Above was A Random Word Rampage. Oops...

Okay so this doesn't apply with a broken heart... but you can start over and create better standards for yourself... Babygirl... everybody knows... He ain't wanna settle down yet... Why do you waste your time loving someone who's cold, addicted to money, shows no love, has no fears, goals, dreams, and aspirations. Beats on you and calls you out your name. This man should have know better and could have done better but the blame is not all on him.

I am the one who fell in love.

THERE IS ONLY ONE KIND OF LOVE - REAL LOVE

REAL LOVE IS CARING ABOUT THE HAPPINESS OF ANOTHER PERSON WITH OUT ANY THOUGHT FOR WHAT WE MIGHT GET FOR OURSELVES. SIMPLE RIGHT ? WRONG, MOST PEOPLE HAVE NEVER EXPIRIENCED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FROM ANYONE- NOT FROM PARENTS, HUSBANDS, WIVES, OR FRIENDS.

THE CONCEPT OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS EASY, MOST OF US FIND IT REVOLUTIONARY TO APPLY BECAUSE WE HAVE NEVER SEEN IT & HAVE ONLY EXPIRIENCED CONDITIONAL LOVE.

( WHEN WE WERE GOOD LITTLE KIDS OUR PARENTS SMILED & PATTED US ON THE HEAD BUT AS SOON AS WE MESSED UP THEY BECAME IRRITATED - THAT IS AN EXCHANGE OF CONDITIONAL LOVE )

THERE IS ONLY ONE KIND OF LOVE & THROUGH NO FAULT OF OUR OWN, DO FEW OF US RECIEVE OR GIVE REAL LOVE. TERRIBLE VOIDS FORM IN THE ABSENCE OF REAL LOVE, & WE LIVE OUR LIVES GIVING & RECIEVING IMMITATION LOVE.

IMMITATION LOVE IS CONDITIONAL AND IT MANIFESTS ITSELF IN 4 FORMS: PRAISE, POWER, PLEASURE, AND SAFETY.

NO MATTER HOW MUCH OF THESE SUBSTITUTES WE OBTAIN, WE REMAIN FEELING EMPTY, ALONE & AFRAID.

WE USE GETTING AND "PROTECTING BEHAVIOURS TO LESSEN OR ELIMINATE OUR FEARS OF NOT BEING LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY.

WE USE GETTING BEHAVIOURS- LYING, ATTACKING, ACTING LIKE A VICTIM, AND CLINGING TO TRY TO FILL OUR EMPTINESS WITH IMITATION LOVE.

WE USE PROTECTING BEHAVIOURS- LYING, ATTACKING, ACTING LIKE A VICTIM, AND RUNNING- TO GET THE LOVE WE CRAVE.

THE FIRST STEP TO OBTAINING UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS TO TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT OURSELVES, ABOUT EVERYTHING..

Reserve Yourself

Metaphorically Speaking... These are Just some Random Thoughts.....

- 2012

Here is my theory. Reserve yourself.
You are Royalty. You don’t need anyone else
to tell you who you are, or how to be,
you should just know. You don’t need anyone
to explain anything to you unless you really
feel that they are helping you.
This is the hard part, where sometimes you
don’t even know and you can’t even tell who
these people are or if they are good or bad
for you. So then here we go, back to my theory.
You don’t need anyone else, you only need yourself.
Preserve yourself, rather yet… Reserve Yourself.

Preserve yourself from all the negative things.
Reserve yourself for the positive.
Preserve yourself from all of the negative
thoughts and actions; make yourself immune.
Reserve yourself for what is really of essence
and of the time, and for what is really of need,
right here and right now and in your life.
I already know, and I say I, because I am writing this.


I already know how it feels to be robbed.
Robbed for my jewels and my gems, my gold and my oil,
all that is left is my land. They can never take my land,
they can run it over, but at the end of the day, they are still,
we are still, and we will be still, standing on it, yea.
I know you know how I feel. I want you to feel this way.
I want you to be free. I do not know, if I myself am free.
I think to feel completely free to a certain point, is to feel trapped,
by society and by the world, and in life. I don’t want to feel this way,
and I won’t feel this way, and I don’t feel this way, as of now.
Right now, as I am writing this, I think I feel better.
I want you to feel better too; I want you to never feel
anything that you don’t have to feel.
Right now I want you to preserve yourself,
and if you have not.. From now on I want you to Reserve Yourself,
for the righteous, for the Real Thing, for the Better.
I am a down ass chick typa girl writing this so don’t you forget her. (Me)


Here is my theory.
Reserve yourself.
You are Royalty.
You don’t need anyone else.
You only need yourself.
Preserve yourself, rather yet…
Reserve Yourself. You’re Royalty.
Royally Acclaimed and Associated with
Yourself. The only one that matters.
The only one you need.

- 2010


Reserve Yourself For God
Keep Away From The Negatives Abroad
Let it be known, let it be taught
Better Yourself... Better Your Thoughts....


Here is my theory.
Reserve yourself. (for God)
You are Royalty. (so be amongst people who love you, like family & good friends)
You don’t need anyone else. (You hold yourself down)
You only need yourself. (& God)
Preserve yourself, rather yet…
Reserve Yourself. You’re Royalty. (Have Good Standards For Yourself)
Royally Acclaimed and Associated with
Yourself. The only one that matters.
The only one you need.
(& God)

So don't ever take shit from anyone again...


 - 2012

Moments & Memories?

FOR YOU: Today, I thought of this girl I used to know. I wondered why no one cared when she slowly dissappeared from our lives… She used to be the one to make me smile everyday, when I was looking down at the ground she always caught me and caused me to look up. Everytime I saw her I always wondered how she felt, she always looked so sad yet happy, that kind of deepness in her eyes you don’t wanna even fuck with or ask about.

She was my friend, we used to chill.

Today, I sat and wondered why we don’t anymore. Life is life, I guess people change and move on, although I never saw her with other friends so I wondered how she could have been doing all this time.

I had and have love for her, I really did. Her story is sad to me, she isn’t here anymore, yet she is always with me, living- half dead. I used to call her Kitty and she used to call me Cat. We were like twins, everything I felt, she felt. Everything she saw, I saw.

One day she came to me and I could see the confusion in her eyes, it was like looking in the mirror. She told me without speaking how her heart is dying, how it was almost dead. She told me how she loved him so much she forgot who she was, where she was, what she was doing, what was the point.

One day, she realized, and she told me. How she didn’t love him, how she loved the other-but forgot and lust tied her in. She explained how overcome she was by all her grief and how all she knew how to do was hide from “the truth that wouldn’t expain itself.”

To me she was beautiful, my original Ti Amo.

I love you.

To her, I was a shoulder, a relief fund, and explosion of the “harness of reality”. Holding her tight, she confided in me abundantly and loved me so. I am sad for her, because one day, I just never saw her again.

That Bitch.







My friend, the bitch.

The one I called my original “Ti Amo”, is gone.

So far gone. She didn’t say goodbye, she just left. I thought damn, I guess she’s just fickle and flirty, and that’s her type. We didn’t have a physical relationship, we were only friends so why should I be sad? We have no true relation.

Sadness was all I knew untill one day I was walking and she caught me again, (by fate I thought) looking down, and she brought me back up.

My chin rose and my eyes gleamed, she came to confide in me again! My long lost friend. The best moment we ever spent together was the day we decided I was good and she was bad. The worst day we spent together was they day she decided I should stay and she should go.

Here I am and here I stay, waiting for her. She ran away to fill the empty void that love took from her. Never once did she realize that love is infinite and so she just ended up back at her original starting point.

Here, with me.

Talking again, realizing that moments cannot be repeated, and that love is truly endless, pointless to search for because it is all around you, it’s everywhere. A tough lesson learned she tells me, as she cried herslelf to sleep. “To know that face is not worth saving when foe is all you have been gracing- better to take yourself away.”

I wished she took in all that was said, she was they type to listen and then wander off in a new thought. I hoped and I prayed she would learn, that life would do her good, and respect her. I soon came to the actualization that some souls are here for a reason, and some are here to be set free.

She is a lost soul, yearning for protection. She swoops swift but lands rough, often in the most dangerous settings. I saw her devour all the men she loved. I saw her try to stop herself, but her hunger pains were not human. To love and to be loved is a perpetual loosing streak only when you find your best teammate will you ever feel fufilled.

My best friend, the one I call “She” is not here anymore because “she” lost herself. I can’t see her because she has become someone else. She has become all her pity, all her filth, and all her love loss is visible like creases on her skin.

I look at her and I don’t know her, she was my “I love you” and now she is my “How could you.” I loved her so much now all I think is how could you run from yourself, how could you try to hide. How could you lie to us, why would you leave? Was I not there for you enough? Even though I never left your side. Was I not realible enough? Even though I was practically attatched to your insides??

I used to be her gut feeling, now I am like an old fan on the ceiling. She only turns me on when things get hot and stuffy. How dare she do me so wrong, but I love her and I’ll never let her go.

I am compassionate, I am forgiving, I know some people need more help, love, and attention than others because in their lives, these things have lacked. I tried to reach out to her, I really did. The day I saw her last, I actually caught her this time, with her head down. I reminded her of the reason I would never let her down, and she smiled. Too bad she can’t remember, now I am the one that cries, for her though, and because of her.

I will never let her down because she was the only one who was ever there for me. The only one who always told me to keep my head up, she was the one that kept my head up. I will never let her down because when everyone loved my physical and my $tatus, she loved my soul.

She loved me for me, thats why I told her “Ti Amo” babygirl, “I think it means I love you.” No one will ever know who she is but I know her and you know her to.

You were the one that pushed her away, I was the one that held her close.

This post an attemp to catch this girs eye and let her know, I know you are out there and yes we are “old” friends. Don’t ever for one second think that I don’t love you, I will always love you.

You don’t need a man, you need me. A good, strong, supportive friend. A loving, sharing, caring female who feels you.

I can set you free, I have your memories, I keep them safe. You name can NEVER be vain to me, your name is beauty on my lips, it sounds just like the ocan waves and when you say mine I hear yours.

Your face could never be EXILED to me, come back and let me love you, let me shine my light on you. I want you to know you are my pillar of strength, you are the one I believe in, you are my everything. I want you to know the game will eat you up, EVEN your soul so be careful what you hope, wish, and pray for my love.

It all comes back to you, even heavier and harder for the colder intentions will be brought up and back into your face, my love. I stil believe in you, till the end of forever! My friend, I’ll still be here for you! In SPIRIT always, if not the physical form!

My Darling(s)…

(I am the woman this piece talks about)
- 26/10/2009

Sometimes distance creates a beautiful opportunity for creativity...

For some reason no matter what happens to me, I always find a way to write. A way to express myself with either a pen and a notebook, scrap paper or loose-leaf. More times the digital versions take over. I guess I am obsessed.The funny thing is I don't even care if anyone takes a read.It soothes my soul and honors my heart just to know I can write, and I will write.

Inspired by Drake and Kim Davis...

People get trapped in situations. They don't realize more times then often, it is at the fault of their own self. Walking into an ambush is a stupid thing to do, but if you don't know you're going to be ambushed how do you avoid what is about to happen? Honestly, success lies in strength. Strength to proceed no matter how tough the situation. Drake is good example of success. Regardless of the drama that surrounded him, he was able to over come the ambush. What a good guy. Kim Davis is another example. I am surprised she is not bigger than she is when it comes to radio play, personally I think its her choice of song. Number one priority is the best song I ever heard. She inspired me to escape the spider web of bad relationships I was getting myself into. She seems like the ultimate fit to the persona of a "replacement girl" for Drakes loss with the song I posted below. If you haven't heard number one priority then you gotta listen to it right now. It really inspired me to get my shit together, go over the top and find home like Dorothy in Wizard of Oz during this trench warfare bullshit I've been battling. Song long suckers, I won't be sucking like you anymore.

[ Kim Davis - #1 Priority | Drake - Closer to my Dreams ]

Inspired by Aaliyah, Nas and DMX...

Sometimes I wonder how life works. Some people live and thrive of bad deeds. I always wonder how fulfilling their lives are and how they feel when they wake up each day. Do they ever think of the people they are hurting? Do they ever ask for forgiveness? Do they ever stop and take time to pray? I once was told by a man I knew briefly, to look up at the sky and ask the stars for what I want, if I did that there would be no way the universe couldn't bring me what I wanted. I never actually took the time to do it and now a days, I have so much time to myself I should really get on it. Sheer determination, faith in the way of life, good morals and right mind is the only way one can achieve their goals. Simply put, if you don't have it you don't have it. When I was young and naive I always wanted selfish things, I lost my way along the path and it clearly says do not go astray from a plain path. I put my trust in the fact that if I can try and try again, there is no way I can fail. If I put my heart where my mouth is there is no way I can go back on my word. I want to help people for a living, not hurt them, and not hurt myself by hurting others which is not helping at all. My new out look in life is plain. Successful people deserve to be successful. Doesn't say much for myself. School is my obstacle and life is my teacher. Bring it on Professor.

[ Aaliyah - Try Again | Nas & DMX - Life is What You Make it ]

Inspired by Drake and Jasmine Sullivan...

Less time to say what I want. I am on a 15 minute limit. Always up to something, call me chicken at least I am not a pig, go figure you would love me through the word even if it's "on a friendship tip" type a-verb. Whether it's true or not his momma still knows me and I failed her. Shame to say I ain't been back in about 5, at least I'm still alive. All that really matters is our love existed and our good-bye consisted of "see you again soon." Where's the room for improvement if every time I had a G I spent it on clothes, just goes to show. I never bought a ticket, never sent a card, stopped calling but still kept you on your guard. Always calling you when I'm in trouble, you never have room to be mad because you miss me so much and all that we had. There's others that I loved but you were one of the first. I still keep your chains and I wonder if you keep my shirts. Damn it hurts, to know that I can just forget about those who I used to put first. My memory is getting better I stopped the Dro but that doesn't excuse the fact that back in the day when it came to you and me and life, I used to think slow. Love? What is love when it only made my heart ache. Whats good? When everything leads to heart-break? Watch the rain fall - there's a new King Rain - King Regin and he's BEEN in power. Just letting you know, regardless if you my General or not, I salute you Baby...

[ Drake - It's Been A Pleasure | Jasmine Sullivan - Midnight ]

Inspired by Jagged Edge...

All I ever wanted was to get married. One small problem. Marriage isn't everything. There are a few contributing factors that are very important. The main one is a healthy and proper relationship between two people. A relationship that will last a life-time is very major. One would know this only by being with a person for a very long time. Communications between the two would have to be strong, the trust factor would have to be immense and the overall time spent would have to be happy. A good man is hard to find. Many try to break their women down on the first date so the connection is bound to be a loss by time the second or third date rolls around. I always hoped I would make a good wife to someone one day and I still know I will be. I am mainly focusing on school right now and sticking to the norm. I am sick of these thugs trying to break a sister down on the home-front. Don't you know it could have been much more if we communicated properly? I know there is love for me out there and I am willing to wait. I am willing to be patient. I know what is meant to be will come to be and I respect you on a 365 basis. 24 a day just know when you come I'll be ready. No more searching just surfing and make sure you head my way baby.

[ Jagged Edge - Married (Kanye Remix) ]

[ Jagged Edge - Married (Run DMC Remix) ]

Thank-You for making me a Strong Woman...

I'm needy. I need things. I usually need things that I don't really need like the perfect man, the perfect relationship and the perfect type of relationship. It really took me 22 years to realize that not all things in life are perfect. That your allowed to miss someone knowing you might not ever have them. Missing someone you know you might not ever have takes strength. It really makes you wonder, when will my dreams come true, since my dreams involve you.

I really love you. You taught me how to be strong. You taught me to take hold of my emotions and not cry over everything. You taught me to have strength. You taught me to accept that things might not always go the way I want them to and for that I have to thank you. Whether you love me truly or not, I want you to know, I'll always love you. Whether we end up together or not, I want you to know, I'll always respect you. Aside from your ferocious anger issues and your strict temperament, your a great person and you deserve to be loved by a great woman. My only wish right now is that I could be that woman. You're my modern day, number one, Mr. King.

I miss blogging so I revived this blogspot...

I removed all the posts on Islam. I don't want to force people into my religion. I believe we will all find the right path when we are ready, on another note: I miss having a one blog where I let it all out. Yesterday I decided this is going to be the place where is happens...